Finally, A Post...With Pictures

I have a spare minute, so here's some pictures...

Me and my daughter on my first Mother's Day


I love her in white.


She's feeling a bit frustrated with tummy time.


With Grandpa

All stretched out


Taken at one month.


This is why I rarely take pics of her. She always seems to be fussy.


Just hanging out.

My crazy little sleeper. This is how I found her one morning. Mind you, she's supposed to be sleeping on that white thing with the side supports, but somehow she wiggled her way down off of it.


My big Mexican baby.


On our stroll, when incidentally somebody mistaked her for a boy.


I found her asleep like this one afternoon.

It's come down to this. I position her with a pillow and the boppy, so she can think she's still being held. This works better on the bed than in her cradle.

Just to answer a couple of yall's questions...

Yes, I do swaddle her...sometimes. There's certain times when she just won't tolerate it, but there's others where she's ok with it. I know it helps, but sometimes I think it makes her hot, which only makes her more fussy, so I pick and choose when to use it.

Someone suggested having her sleep in my bed with me. I don't really like to do this and for two big reasons. One, I don't want to establish this habit with her. Two, I find that I don't sleep comfortable with her in my bed unless it's just me and her, and only because I can put her on the other side of the bed where she won't interfere with me, nor I with her.

And by the way, thanks for yalls input and advice. I really don't mind it all. It really helps to get different suggestions. Even when there's no advice, it's just nice to hear that some of yall have been in the same situation yourself. It makes me feel like less of a screw up mom.

Last week I had two big issues with her. I realized it's not that she doesn't like the cradle, it's that she likes sleeping in someone's arms. Every time she falls asleep, someone is holding her, so when she's set down she'll wake within 20 minutes because she realizes she's not being held, which is why I set up the pillow and the boppy like I did in the photo above. When I did this on the bed one night, she slept 6 hours straight. I woke after five hours and realized she had not woken. I quickly put my finger under her nostrils to see if I could detect her breathing. Of course she was still alive, but I was truly worried for a second. But let me tell you the feeling of getting five hours of consecutive sleep was amazing!

The other issue: she forgot how to drink from a bottle. For a week straight I breastfed, because I just didn't feel like messing with the pump. Because of that one week of pure breastfeeding the next time I offered her the bottle, Lucero fiddled around with the nipple not sure how to drink from it. It was a real struggle to feed her. So from then on I began giving her a bottle at least once a day, so she could get reacquainted with it. There were some days where she just wouldn't take the time to figure it out and would cry mercilessly, but I think she's finally getting re-used to it.

Here's a positive, she now takes the pacifier. For weeks I've been trying to force this pacifier the pediatrician gave me. Funny thing, she took it at the doctor's office, but since then she's never wanted in her mouth again. We offered her a different one that we happened to have hanging around the apartment (it was used as a decoration at my baby shower) and after a couple of tries, she finally took to it. This is a major victory for me, because I realized most of the time she was on my boob, she was mostly there for comfort. I was a human pacifier and my boobs were paying the price for it. So now when she gets fussy and I know it's not due to hunger, a dirty diaper or gas, I offer the pacifier and it'll usually calm her.

It's finally getting better around here with me and Lucero. Not every moment is bliss, but it's definitely not as hell-ish as it was before. Either I've gotten used to her or she's gotten used to me. Or maybe she's just not the baby she once was. There were times in the first month or so that I seriously wanted to throw her against the wall - not very motherly, I know. I don't think I was experiencing post partum depression, but I'm sure my hormones did have a play in it, as well as my extreme fatigue and the fact that it was just her and I together all day, day in, day out, with no one around to relieve me. (Did I ever mention that X is gone 2/3 of the day when he's working? You can figure what he did with the other third of it when he returned home.) Anyway, it's a tough thing to admit that I would want to harm my child, but believe me, that's how bad it was at times. Thank the Lord I had a stable mind and didn't harm her, but I just wanted to illustrate how rough it was. Funny enough, it's only after you have a baby that other mothers begin to step forward and tell you how their first couple of weeks were hell also.

Now that Lucero is a little over 7 weeks old, I can't believe how fast time has flown. I have one major regret though. I hardly have any pictures of her and I together or even of her and X and there's absolutely none of all three of us together. It makes me sad that those moments weren't captured. She was only that little for a short bit and now she's becoming a real baby BABY. I swear she gains a pound a day. Ok, maybe not that much, but still I can see that she's growing and it just makes me all the more sad that I'm losing my little newborn.

As far as I go, for the most part I've returned to the size I was before. This is mostly due to the breastfeeding and getting very few solid meals in. Most of the time I ate cereal or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Yeah, not very healthy, but the only time I seemed to eat real meals was when someone was eating with me and that's because they either made it for me or brought it to me. Most of my clothes fit again, although some still seem to be a little snug, but maybe they were always that way. However, some damage was done. In my last weeks of pregnancy, seriously like the last three, some stretch marks showed up, despite my efforts to fight them off. They're mostly concentrated around my belly button. Lovely. And even though I fit into my old wardrobe, I still have this really soft, squishy stomach. Sure, it was soft before, but not like this. Eventually I plan to rejoin a gym and take care of this. And as far as below the equator, well it appears to look the same - not that yall wanted to know, but I was pretty curious what childbirth would do to it. After about four weeks I finally found the courage to take a mirror and look at it. Did I mention that even with the episiotimy I still tore? Yeah, thanks Lucero with your big eight pound body. It just made me realize how truly remarkable the human body is especially when it comes to recovery.

Anyway, that's all for now. My baby is down for a nap, so I better get to taking care of some other things. Until next time...

Labor of Love

Yes, I'm still alive. I hope none of yall were too worried. I'm still here, still hanging in there, trying my best to be a mother. I know it's been three weeks, but I've been a bit preoccupied. So I found myself a quick minute to say hello.

Hello.

I feel like I have or had so much to say, but no time to say it. So I'll just start typing whatever comes to mind: Either Lucero is a tough baby or I'm a terrible mother. I know a bunch of yall have posted comments saying things like I'll make a great mom...just curious, but what were yall basing that on? The little darling makes me feel quite inadequate at times. She's wonderful, but sometimes she's a major handful. Two major issues with her right now: getting her to stay asleep in her cradle and her needing to feed every hour.

The first problem, I don't know what happened or what went wrong, but it seems she doesn't like her cradle all of a sudden. She falls asleep in my arms, I put her down in her cradle and within five minutes she crying and wants out. One night for three hours I tried again and again to get her to sleep in the cradle. It wasn't until midnight that she finally stayed asleep. I think part of the issue may be that every time she takes a nap, X places her on our nice cushy bed. Her cradle is not quite so comfy, but all the parenting books say not to put babies to sleep on surfaces that are too soft, so what the heck?

The second problem, she seems hungry all the time. If she cries too much or is being fussy, X says she's hungry. I tell him that's impossible, because she just finished eating 45 minutes before. I tell him there has to be something else wrong with her, like she's tired or overstimulated. But honestly, she does show cues of being hungry. She does the whole arching her back and turning her head to the side and opening her mouth. Sometimes I give in and feed her. Other times I try to wait it out until atleast another hour. I don't want to overfeed her, but I also don't want to starve her if she really is hungry.

I've been reading The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer and feel almost more confused about Lucero's cues. It's one big guessing game and I've never been a fan of guessing games. I remember in high school my brother Steven would come back from somewhere and be like, "Guess who we ran into?" and I'd ask who and then he would make me go through this whole drawn out process of guessing who it was. This is a little less fun than that.

Ok, Lucero is crying again right now. I gotta go. I hope to post pics of her again soon.

Just as Suspected

Motherhood is not easy. Not that anyone told me it would be. I kinda had an idea that it wouldn't be, but I never thought it would be this challenging. I think it has more to do with my personality than anything. For me, if there's a problem, I want to tackle it right away and get it figured out in order to move past it as soon as possible. For issues around our place I typically do it myself rather than ask X to do something for me. It just makes it easier that way: I get it done the way I want it done and when I want it done - no need to wait on someone to take care of it for me. But when it comes to the baby, it's a bit different. She cries and I immediately want to make her stop. I change her, feed her, burp, rock her - I do anything in my power to calm her down, but when everything I attempt seems to fail, I tend to get a tad bit impatient. It's very frustrating for her a person like myself who just wants to fix the problem. And sometimes she cries like she's in some excruciating pain, which only breaks my heart even more, especially when I can't alleviate what ever is making her fuss.

My biggest issue is getting her to sleep during the night hours. She's an excellent day sleeper. She only wakes for diaper changes and to eat and then she's right back asleep. At night it's a different story. She's fussy and nothing seems to calm her down. Hours later she finally will fall asleep, but at this point it's like five in the morning and I've been up with her for at least four hours. Yeah, not fun. It's not that she's awake the whole time. She'll begin to fall asleep, but then a few minutes into it she wakes with a whiny cry. My only guess is it's digestive/gas issues that keeps her awake, that maybe she's not able to work through the uncomfortableness of it all. I don't understand why she doesn't experience these issues during the day though. Still, a miserable baby up all night does not make for a happy mommy. I do my best to catch up on sleep during the day, but what I would really like is for her to sleep at night and only wake for feedings. I know she can sleep for a good stretch of time too. After an all nighter, Lucero can sleep for at least five to six hours.

Last night she actually did really well. She fell asleep around nine, woke around 11:30, was back asleep by 12:15, woke again at 3:30 and was back asleep within the half hour and slept until eight this morning. I'm hoping it wasn't a fluke and that she can hopefully do it again this evening.

Other than her sleep schedule, which by the way, people's solution to getting her to sleep at night is to keep her up during the day. Um, people, I don't know how you keep a newborn awake. She's a baby. You can't occupy her enough to keep her awake. It's like keeping a drunk awake - it's damn near impossible. But anyway, as I was saying, other than her sleep schedule, the only other little issue is the breastfeeding. At first, she was having trouble latching on. She'd do strange things like shake her head at my breast or headbutt it, and if she wasn't my daughter and it wasn't my boob hanging out, I would think it was funny to watch, but when you're trying to get a feeding accomplished, it's not so comical. She's getting better at it though. The problem though is it hurts, especially at the beginning of the feeding when she clamps down on it. I don't think she's latching on correctly and I try to correct it, but it's kinda difficult. It's not always painful, but when it is, it kills. Ouch.

Along with the breastfeeding, I seem to be producing too much milk. Maybe that's not the problem, but I feel like my breasts fill up quickly, sooner than Lucero's need to feed, but if I wait until then, my breasts are rock hard, making it difficult for her to latch on, so I have to constantly pump in order to alleviate the fullness. I only have a manual pump, but it seems like it's in constant use, 'cause I'm having to constantly empty myself out. Maybe my boobs have become confused, thinking they need to supply extra milk, 'cause they're always in demand whether they're being pumped or for actual feedings - it's the whole supply and demand thing. The breasts will supply as much milk as needed, but really mine are supplying too much. I have no idea how to fix this problem, but I'm really getting tired of my one-on-one bonding time with the pump.

Ok, so other than all this, my life is fine with baby Lucero. I love her to pieces and I'm still amazed that she's mine.

Also, thank you to everyone for your kind comments. To Sara, I never heard of that song you mentioned. Please send it my way if you can.

My Little Precious

As promised, a couple more photos of the little one...


Lucero with Grandma at the hospital


Lucero and her daddy - he's so in love with her.


Tired mom and baby


Leaving the hospital...

Lucero's first ride in the car. She cried bloody murder at first.


Arriving at home


Sleeping. She's pretty good at this, it's just a matter of getting her do it at the proper hours, specifically at night.


All stretched out


Holding her own bottle.



A lovely treat from Golightly and Cowboy - yum!


She's definitely my daughter - look at that furrowed brow, just like me, just like my mom, just like my grandma - must be genetic.


More sleeping


Sporting Grandpa's bling

First sponge bath



More sleeping


Look how long her hair is

Sweet dreams.

The Birth Story

I'm sacrificing sleep for this, I'll have you know. They say rest when the baby rests. I wonder how many women actually follow this advice, because I can't seem to. Yes, I do nap when I can, but when she sleeps is the only time I can do little things for myself. I'm talking little things, like using the restroom, checking e-mail, tidying up here and there, eating. So without further ado, here's the birth story.

Sunday the 4th was the last day X and I had to ourselves. We didn't do much together, but we did go out to eat at Olive Garden. We used a gift card someone gave us, since neither of us really wanted to cook. I felt little cramps here and there, but nothing I figured I should worry about. I probably went to sleep around eleven that night. I awoke maybe two hours later, around 1:30 something. I woke up 'cause I had to pee, but as soon as I stood up getting out of bed, I felt something coming out. Turned out to be a glob of blood, which I can only assume was this "bloody show" all the books and classes had kept referring to. That being said, those same books said just because the "bloody show" occurs doesn't mean labor is beginning, but that it would be imminent. Knowing that, I didn't worry too much. I figured I still had time and that I would still be making my 10am appointment with my doctor.

But now that I was awake I started feeling the cramps more and they were slightly stronger than the day before. I didn't want to get back in bed, 'cause I didn't want to risk more blood coming out and I really didn't want to worry about cleaning up a mess, so instead I grabbed X's watch and sat on the recliner. I figured I would humor myself to see if there was any consistency between each cramp. There wasn't. Some were nine minutes apart, some were seven, then back to eight, and then maybe six. They seemed to last around 45 seconds to a minute each. I still thought it wasn't a big deal. I didn't want to wake up X and I still figured I would just wait til my appointment. They were a bit painful, but nothing I wasn't able to tolerate every eight minutes.

When the cramps came down to every six minutes, I thought, ok, maybe I should call my OB's office just in case. It was around 2:30 at this point. I called the emergency line and was put in touch with my nurse. I felt bad waking her, but I relayed to her what was happening. She, in her sleepy voice, instructed me to head for the hospital. I went to wake up X. I told him it was time. He said, "Damn, I just lost 5 bucks to your mom." Apparently, some betting had been going on without my knowledge. So he gets up, calls my parents and lets them know we'll be heading to the hospital soon. I started grabbing a couple of things, changed my clothes and made up the bed - YES, made my bed - all between contractions. We probably didn't head to the hospital until around 3:30. This was partly due to the fact that every time I had a contraction I felt the need to use the restroom, whether it be one or two.

Anyway, we finally left the apartment and en route to the hospital I probably had three or four more contractions. For each contraction, all I could do was do what I learned in class: breathe in through my nose, blow out with my mouth. It didn't lessen the pain, but somehow made it more manageable. X for some reason chose Juanes as our soundtrack to the hospital. "Es por tiiiiiiiii" was stuck in my head for awhile.

When we reached the hospital I went in alone and let X go park the car. I made my way to the baby floor, found some nurses behind a desk and said "I think I'm in labor," to which they smiled, let out a chuckle and thus began the whole process of admitting me. I told her I had already filled out forms online, but I guess they still had to ask a couple of questions on their own. The contractions kept coming and all I wanted was to sit down. Finally, they took me to a room with lots of beds and curtain dividers. It was empty. One nurse gave me a bag, told me to put my clothes in it and put on the hospital gown provided. She was about to start strapping me to some monitors, but I asked if I could use the restroom first. (See, again, with the restroom.) Once the monitors were hooked up, I was able to hear the baby's heartbeat and also read my contractions, not that I couldn't feel when each one was happening.

Two nurses were there, both young, one kinda had attitude, the other pretty chipper. One nurse examined me below and then asked the other to do the same. The first one, the chipper one, couldn't tell how far I was dilated. The nurse with attitude checked and said speaking directly to the other nurse as if I wasn't there, "I think she's already at a nine and a half." My eyes widened: Nine and half centimeters. For those of you who don't know, you have to reach ten centimeters to start pushing. Then the nurse with attitude said the scariest words I've ever heard, and once again saying them as if I wasn't there, "There may be no time for an epidural."

I was positively frightened at that point. No epidural? Was this really going to happen? I said, "What? No epidural?" The chipper nurse said there may not be time. So many thoughts ran through my head. How was I going to do this? Oh, my gosh, the unbearable pain, I was going to be one of those women who experienced it. What was this? Nineteen fifty? Owww. In my head I began giving myself a pep talk. "You'll get through it. It'll hurt, but you'll work through it."

They quickly moved me to my own labor and delivery room, where I finally saw X again. I relayed the news to him and he seemed concerned for me. All he could do was call my mother and give her the update. The nurses began getting me hooked up to an IV and doing other things, but I'm not sure what 'cause I was in so much pain. The contractions kept coming, each more painful than before. The chipper nurse said, "You must have a high tolerance for pain. I can't believe you didn't get to the hospital sooner." Here's the thing: The contractions were painful, they sucked royally, but in my head they never seemed to be the worst, or what I imagined to be the worst pain ever, so I kept tolerating them. Every time a contraction came I did the breathing thing I learned and all the nurses were impressed that I was following the instruction learned in my birth education class. I'm not sure if the nurses were really impressed or if they were just saying positive things to keep me motivated.

They kept checking me below and said the baby's head had not lowered enough, so they said there may still be a chance for the epidural. I didn't get my hopes up though. I didn't want to set myself up for disappointment. Moments later this Asian man came in and the chipper nurse said he's the epidural guy. Score, I thought. The epidural guy came over and they had me sit up and curve my back. I was leaning into X and the nurse. They asked me to be as still as possible even though I was having a contraction and the epidural guy warned I may feel some slight pain. Ha, slight pain - in comparison to the contractions, whatever he did back there was like a walk in the park. I felt the cool liquid run in and knew relief would be here soon. This was around 5:30.

From that point on, we waited. The nurses said the baby would likely come in an hour or so. So I laid there, text some friends and family and mostly just tried to rest. Seven o'clock came and there was shift change. I got new nurses. They checked to see what the progress was on the head lowering. They realized my water had not been broken, which was likely why the head wasn't lowering. They broke my water, but I didn't feel a thing except for a flood of moisture. The nurses left me again. They instructed me to buzz them when I felt pressure below.

I laid there some more and felt no pressure. It was basically a waiting game at this point. During this time I would talk to my parents who were en route to San Antonio, a five hour drive from Pecos. At first I wasn't sure they would make it in time for the birth, but as the clock kept ticking I figured they may still have a chance.

Around 9:15 the nurses came in and said the head was beginning to lower more, but that I was going to have to push a little to encourage her out. They gave me instruction to take a deep breath, hold it and push for 10 seconds. I did this, but they said I was pushing with the wrong muscles. They told me not to push with my butt, which is what I was doing, but to push with abs. I couldn't really feel what I was pushing with, so the nurse decided we should have a tug of war. They got a towel, twisted it and asked me to pull on one end as one of the nurses pulled on the other. So I tugged and tugged and apparently it was working: the baby's head was lowering. I asked why I was needing to push if the doctor wasn't even there yet. They said they were trying to get the baby into position. So we played tug of war for a couple more rounds and then they let me have a breather. I'm guessing at this point the head had crowned, 'cause one nurse said, "Man, she's got a full head of hair. It's long. You can probably make a pony tail out of it."

Shortly thereafter my doctor came in. He got himself ready, the nurses got themselves in position and X stood to my left. Before the pushing got started up again, one nurse asked me if I would mind if students came in to watch. I paused for a moment to think and then told them it would be fine, "anything for education," I said. At this point, modesty was out the window, so it didn't really matter who was doing what to me and who was watching. It was only two girls and they stood in the back observing.

Finally the pushing began. I don't recall how many sets of pushes I had to do at this point, but I think it was two, maybe three. And just like you see on TV and in the movies, the nurses were exclaiming, "Push, push, deep breath, hold it, push, push." And then it happened, I felt suddenly empty and no tightness or pressure in my belly, she was out. Tears ran down my face as I heard her cry for the first time. She was out breathing on her own. They placed her on my stomach and I cried some more as I looked at this beautiful baby covered in gunk. She looked nothing like I imagined her to look. I couldn't believe she was mine or that she came out of me, but there she was in the flesh.

And so like it's been said time and time again and it may be cliche, but it's so true, she's a miracle, my little baby girl, my little Lucero.



Waiting...


More waiting. By the way, I was incredibly thirsty. They wouldn't let me drink water and there was no ice chips. I felt gipped.

Lucero makes her debut.




Getting weighed

My doctor and nurses

My parents make their way in just minutes after her birth.

Me, the new mom

Father and daughter...

Mother and daughter meet at last...

The proud grandparents...





Sorry, this took so long to post. I tend to make long stories longer. But there you have it. More photos to come eventually.

The Future Miss Texas

And here's my little beauty queen...introducing Lucero.

Born Monday, May 5 at 10:10am, weighing in at 8 lbs 5.9 oz., 20 inches long, she finally arrives!

Belly Watch 2008: 9 months

First things first, this is me at 9 months. Photo was taken Sunday, May 4. I wanted to be sure I was able to get the last photo in before the baby showed up and thankfully I did. I can't believe that was me a week ago.

Just Waiting for My Life to Change

I meant to update yall on this yesterday, but I had a really busy day at work, trying to tie up loose ends.

So yesterday at my appointment the doctor examined me and told me nothing except that the baby's head is still high. Geez, I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that, 'cause then at least I would have five dollars. No, but same old, same old, the head is high, he touches it and it floats up. He said her head is not "engaged" in the inner pelvis bone and typically at this point they like to see the baby's head locked and loaded into position. I asked if there was a possibility that she's not "engaged" because her head can't fit and he said that could be a possibility. And then he went into this whole schpeel on how just because a woman has wide hips does not necessarily mean she's an optimal candidate for child bearing, that in fact it has more to do with the inner pelvis bones that will determine whether a baby can fit through. He said my inner pelvis bones are on the small to medium size, but even so he said that may not be the issue at all. It could just be the baby isn't ready. He also said that just because her head is high doesn't mean that I can't go into labor. Labor can start at any time, even if her head is high, but usually the head has already descended at that point.

Basically I was told if I don't go into labor by Monday, that I should come in Monday morning for another appointment, so he can see/feel where I'm at and based off that he may want me at the hospital Monday evening to "get me started." I asked him how often do inductions lead to cesareans. His response was that the two are not related. He went on to explain that inducing basically kicks labor into gear and that just like labor that begins on it own you may run into many a reason as to why they have to resort to a c-section, such as too much bleeding, the baby is in distress or perhaps because there's no progression, which could be because the baby simply can't fit through and it's like hitting a brick wall, and so this is why a cesarean would be necessary.

I asked what would be the harm in waiting it out some to see if she'll come on her own. The doctor explained that with each passing day she grows bigger and bigger and so we take the risk of a difficult labor, and if she gets too big, it would likely result in a c-section. Plus, he added that the placenta gets old and is not delivering oxygen as well to the baby, but since no one knows when the placenta will stop delivering the oxygen, it's best not to wait and take that gamble.

And so we wait. Either I'll go into labor on my own within the next 48 hours or we wait until Monday morning to determine our next steps, which may very likely end up with me going to the hospital Monday evening. If that's the case, I estimate my baby to be delivered some time on Tuesday.

Anyway, I've been thinking and praying about it and all I can think is whatever happens, happens, that God is in control, so either way I win. One thought that's been resonating in my mind is for me to "lean not on my own understanding," which I take to mean that I shouldn't base anything off of what I know or what I would do if I had my way, but to leave it up to God. Maybe having an induction will be best for me, maybe even a c-section will be better, or maybe labor will come on its own, but basically it will work out itself like it should and I shouldn't worry or try to shape it my way. And so that's what I'm going to do.

Oh, the doctor also advised me not to go into labor Saturday night. He said he would be busy watching the Spurs game.

Capturing the Moment

This being my first pregnancy and all, I wanted to capture this moment in my life. Who knows if I'll ever have another child, or if I do, what I'll look like then. Regardless, it's a pretty monumental step in my life that I should have record of. I wanted to take professional pictures, but a professional photographer is a bit outside my budget right now, so I relied on Ashley's sister to do it. I think she did a pretty good job, especially considering she doesn't have all the professional equipment and all, but either way, it seemed to work out. These were some of my favorites.

WARNING: If you cannot handle looking at a bare maternity belly, you might want to look away.